I was supposed to be writing a book about neurodivergent codependency. At least that’s what I thought. I ended up writing a book about neurodivergent consent instead.
This article will help you see why a client’s yes might reflect masking, pressure or needing more time to process, and why understanding that comes first before we can unpick the relational dynamics.
My original plan
So I started writing a book about ND codependency in 2024, drawing on years of working with thousands of people, and on my own personal experience. I'd seen first hand that codependency, placing someone else’s needs before our own, to our detriment, shows up differently for neurodivergent people including myself.
I had received my own AuDHD diagnosis in 2022, and it helped me to make sense of so much of my life. I read widely and took relationship courses, and a lot of it resonated. And yet it was all built on neuronormative foundations. The pieces about how ND people experience the world and their relationship dynamics were missing. I wasn’t sure what I needed and yet I was clear I wasn’t receiving it.
There are important neurodivergent factors that impact codependency, our relationship with ourselves and others. These include how we connect with our inner world, our feelings and bodily sensations, different processing styles, variable executive functioning, crippling rejection sensitivity dysphoria that can make saying no very tough, masking these differences and finding it difficult to communicate our different experiences clearly to the outside world.
I started writing a book about the process I used with my own clients, to share with therapists and coaches, about the nuances of codependency for ND people, with tools for exploring and implementing simple changes, to help ND relationships become healthier and more enjoyable.
Partway through the writing, I realised that ND codependency is much easier to understand when you understand ND consent in terms of the day to day agreements we make with ourselves and each other, and what influences those decisions. So I decided to add a chapter.
I started writing, and I couldn't stop.
“I’ll just add this bit” I thought. “And if I add this bit I need to include this”. The ND consent chapter quickly became a book.
Why it became a book
I quickly found that ND consent isn't a side topic and it also goes very deep. I personally found it both triggering and enlightening as an ND person myself, as I brought it all together in my writing.
For many of us ND consent is shaped by masking, processing delays, finding it hard to name what we feel in the moment, and years of learning to say yes in every day situations, to stay safe even when our body is saying no. It can touch many aspects of our lives at the same time, from our ordinary life to our intimate sexual experiences and everything in between. We can notice violations we hadn’t been expecting. A single chapter couldn't hold all that.
I wanted space to explore the different influences. For example, one young woman has stayed with me from when I was working with young people at risk of exclusion in inner-city Gloucester in 2002. She had an Asperger's diagnosis, and I wasn't sure how to truly support her rather than simply secure her compliance. I certainly did not have it figured out then. Looking back, I was fumbling towards honouring ND consent long before I had the understanding or the words for it.
I now describe ND consent as “a free and informed agreement to something that fits your neurological processing, sensory profile and communication style.” It feels to me this understanding is missing from most conversations about consent.
The need for free and informed agreement is the same for everyone. What may differ is the time to understand inner experiences, time to make the decision and the style of communication someone uses to express that decision.
So I did what I do. I asked people. I undertook some community research with neurodivergent adults to find out more about their experiences with therapists and coaches around relationships, and more recently I've been replicating that research with professionals who work with ND clients, to find out their perspectives.
What our research showed
I asked ND adults to rate how well their therapists understood ND consent, from 1 to 5. The average was about 2.1. For ND codependency, it was about 1.9. And yet about two thirds of participants said they'd lost themselves in relationships, demonstrating this was a wide-spread challenge.
This was a small community survey, so it isn't a statistic about everyone. But it matched what I'd seen for years. People wanted specific help attuned to their neurotype, and the people supporting them often didn't have the full framework.
The Link Between Codependency and Consent
This is why the two topics belong together. If you don't understand how consent works for a neurodivergent person, you can mistake fawning or people-pleasing for agreement.
You can label a survival response "codependency" and try to fix it, when consistently placing someone else’s needs before your own is actually protecting someone from some deeper nuances.
You can’t support someone to unmask safely within their relationships if they can't tell what a genuine yes looks like and feels like for them.
The ND person needs to understand their own process for consent before they can prioritise themselves more equally within their relationships.
One thing you can do as a professional
As a coach, therapist or professional, I’m not asking you to radically overhaul your whole practice immediately. Let’s start with small things and build up over time.
Last week I asked you to consider pausing so you could identify your own inner congruence with a small decision: noticing how that yes or no felt in your own body.
This week I would like you to start noticing what may be going on for your neurodivergent client:
- Look for clues about how they are processing your conversations together.
- Look for words they are using to describe their experiences.
- Look for the finer details: the body movements, the shifts in their posture, their energy flow.
- It’s like becoming an ND detective!
- What do you notice?
You don’t need to do anything else for the moment - just notice. You could go as far as making notes if that helps.
What’s next?
So the consent book is the one I'm writing now. The codependency book will happen. It just might be next year.
If you're a therapist, coach or practitioner working with neurodivergent clients, or this sounds like your story, tell me in the comments what you'd want to see covered.
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Thanks for being here as we go from assumption to attunement for professionals working with ND clients.
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